It was the day after I (Denise) had lost our only child to a miscarriage, and I was in the first stages of grief: numb, questioning God, and not believing what had just happened. The phone rang and I answered it. On the other end was a woman, sobbing. After several minutes, I realized it was my oldest sister. She couldn’t even talk—she just wept. And I wept along with her.
What a gift from God her phone call was to me that day! At that moment, my sister was the heart of God to me. You see, God weeps when I weep. I love that about God. Psalm 56:8 NLT says, “You [God] keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.”
After losing the baby, I also received other calls rejoicing that my child was in heaven. These people rejoiced while I was mourning. I felt wounded and more alone, misunderstood and judged by them. Later, I had to forgive them from the hurt and release them.
Many times after losing our baby, I asked God, Why? I was like a petulant child repeatedly demanding to know, “Why? Why? Why?” But I didn’t really want to understand; I wanted God to change my barrenness. Later in my healing, I took God off my hook and asked him to forgive me. He showed me that there was no explanation he could ever give me that would satisfy my “Why?” So I learned to live with the mystery of God, and along the way I learned acceptance.
(Excerpt from our book, "The Missing Commandment: Love Yourself - New Expanded Edition")
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