"Loving God Loving Myself" Week Nine, Day Three "Pull Over or Keep On Driving"

Draw me, however unwilling, to make me willing;

draw me, slow-footed, to make me run.

—St. Bernard  

I (Jerry) know myself well enough by now to realize that a significant shift in my emotions—whether toward anger, sadness, fear, or numbness—is a signal I need to heed. It’s like a highway construction flagman directing me to pull over to the side until the emotional roadblock begins to clear. Do I always instantly heed the flagman? I wish I could say yes, but I’m pretty sure God wants me to tell you the truth.

More times than I want to admit, I ignore the signal and keep driving a little longer. Finally, though—due sometimes to my growing anxiety and sometimes to Denise’s urging—I pull over and invite the Father into the emotions behind the roadblock. How? What works best for me is writing a letter to the Father and then allowing him to write back .

Once, after pouring out my heart to God about “running away from him rather than running to him,” I stopped writing and just waited. After a brief time, I sensed a great deal of sadness, and tears began to come. God began sharing with me a loss I had grieved in the past which, without my realizing it, was still impacting me. Although the flagman of my emotions was signaling me, I had been pushing away the pain and grief. Within a minute or two, I began to write what I sensed the Father speaking to my heart:

"It is not that you have not grieved your losses, but when some of them come back up again, you must allow yourself to acknowledge them. Your heart is dynamic, not static, and thus you will feel things that you have felt previously. When you do not allow this, you lose that part of your heart, and I do not want any part of your heart to be left behind."

God was reminding me of something I knew and even shared with others but did not necessarily always follow: that it is important to understand the dynamics that often surround our processing of pain and loss, especially when we feel we have already dealt with an issue. God also reminded me that even though I resisted opening up my heart, the Father continued to be available to me, standing at my heart’s door, and was more than willing to respond to my invitation to enter the situation and help me. He didn’t punish me for my resistance and my running, but he also didn’t force his way in. Rather, he waited for me to yield to him, and as I did, he began to reconnect me both with my own heart and with his.

Prayer

Father, you know me better than I know myself. You know when my heart needs to be cared for in a particular way. Help me recognize the signs of emotional and spiritual heart problems and choose to respond at those times. When I do—even if only for a few moments—I am choosing you and your ways. Help me see you for who you truly are and trust you with my pain, loss, and grief. I don’t want to keep on “driving” when it is time to pull over.

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To listen to this post, narrated by Jerry and Denise, click here:  LGLM - Pull Over or Keep On Driving Audio File.

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